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I’m currently lounging on my bed and watching this ridiculous VH1 clip show called Celebrity Eye Candy. Like all VH1 programs, Celebrity Eye Candy is produced in the trademark format of the network – hack job editing, psychedelic transition graphics, and a goofy voiceover spouting lame puns. Surprisingly, Eye Candy spares us from the commentary supplied by the customary panel of D-list comedians.

The premise (I feel like I just disrespected the word “premise”) of Eye Candy is to mock famous folks doing socially awkward things. Some of the clips include, but are not limited to: Fabio talking to himself while pumping gas, Tom-Cat dancing stoically at a concert, a sweaty Matthew Perry holding a water bottle post-workout, Cindy Crawford picking her nose, Puff Daddy talking about having a female assistant shave his pubes, and a few montages of celebrities adjusting wedgies or tripping and falling to the ground. As clip after clip of archived footage, no doubt supplied by paparazzi, graffiti-ed my television, I found myself unable to change the channel. Apparently, I was made stupid by that which is already stupid. I can only imagine an Eye Candy producer (who is possibly an unpaid intern), sitting in front of state-of-the-art editing equipment saying things like “You know what would be great here? Where’s that clip of Hallie Berry digging out her wedgie?”

Clearly, VH1 is by no stretch of the imagination a defender of high values, but it certainly should never have been allowed to deteriorate to its current role as this nation’s crack pipe for popular culture. For whatever reason, we Americans love our stars and apparently require a perpetual intravenous drip of celebrity news, a fix VH1 is way too eager to provide. However, even after factoring in America’s insatiable appetite for everything celebrity, I am still unable to mitigate my opinion that Celebrity Eye Candy and other shows of this type are train wrecks with no survivors. Someone needs to put these shows to rest like a dog in need of a kidney transplant. Why is Eye Candy an hour long and Best Week Ever, the closest show that VH1 has to respectable programming, only 30 minutes?